A guest review by Danfox Davies.

Synopsis

A pretty Australian singer who is not KYLIE MINOGUE moves to SCOTLAND and gets ANOREXIA. In an attempt to get herself back on the DEEP-FRIED EVERYTHING, she meets/drunkenly walks home with a NERD who plays music. There now follows ANGST, Scotland, tweeness and RANDOMLY BREAKING INTO SONG.

By the Numbers

• Careful auto-defenestrations: 1
• Sheets tied together unnecessarily for an aborted auto-defenestration: at least 5
• Glasgow: 1000% (Distilled like a fine Scottish Single Malt).
• King James VI of Scotland: somehow, 1
• Belle & Sebastian cameos: 7
• Spectacles carefully removed prior to nerdy slap-fights: 2 pairs
• Buses: 6
• Lifeguard skill level: 0
• Blinks needed to miss years of the protagonist’s life: 1
• Positive messages: some
• Sensitivity with which Stuart Murdoch made this: exactly 9000
• “POW, right in the fanny”: 1
• Abandoned Rabbit Constitutions: 1
• US Constitutions: 0
• Lessons for my mum’s entire side of my family had they watched this 35 years ago: so many it may have caused me not to exist now. Good job Stuart waited till 2015, then.
• Whistlers in perfect tune: 3
• Proclaimers of song-writing deities: 1
• Proclaimers: preposterously, 0
• Pervy mannequin dopplegänger: 1
• Montages: 7
• Overfilled bookshop scenes during musical numbers: 3
• Overfilled bath scenes leading into peculiar rare-instrument musical numbers: 2
• Bathroom queue length: 9
• Ornithological jokes: 1
• Neds: 3(0,000)
• Hipsters: 8 (according to the credits!)
• Drunken sailors: 1
• Racist foreigners: 1
• Members of Foreigner: 0
• Hallucinogen dispensing hooligans alluded to: 2
• Fucks given about lying on brambles and nettles: 0
• Flyers posted: 1980
• Angry mobs: 0
• Happy mobs: 1
• Average male ejaculate: 10cc (we are nothing if not educational!)
• The Timewarp, Part 2: it’s ali-hi-hi-hi-hive! IT’S ALIVE!!! And Oh My God, so frickin’ twee!
• Tweeness: OVER 9000
• Pills: 23
• World’s twee-est downward spiral into drink, drugs and suicide attempts: What?
• World’s last cassette tape: present
• Mr Ben’s shop: somehow, present
• “But you know what? Fuck off! This is my dream.”: well said.

Overall: 4 / 5