Synopsis

CHESTY JAKE sells DELICIOUS XANAX and VIAGRA and also has SEX with A LOT OF PEOPLE. Then CHESTY JAKE falls in LUUUUURVE with his FUCK-BUDDY, and it turns into ANOTHER BLOODY ROMANTIC COMEDY, and then into a DEPRESSING DOOM-FEST.

Goddamnit, EDWARD ZWICK, was foisting THE LAST SAMURAI with TOM FUCKING CRUISE on the world not punishment enough?

By the Numbers

• Minutes of film before sex occurs: 2.25
• Macarena: TOO FUCKING MUCH
• Hobos with Prozac: 1
• 19th Century sluts: 0
• “Strong sex” in this film: apparently, yes
• Conflations of Chicago with culture: Somehow, 1
• Doctor-Patient confidentialities respected: 0
• People raped by Care Bears: Possibly, 1
• Delicious reprobate sex: present
• Google results for Viagra, as I found out while writing this: 187,000,000
• Shock exhibited upon the realisation that I actually research this shit: over 9000
• Parkinsons / handjob jokes that somehow manage not to lower the tone: 1
• Times I have now watched Anne Hathaway fake an orgasm: I actually think I’ve lost count.

Overall: 3 / 5

REGINA SPEKTOR ARGH HOLY FUCK

“BETTER” HAS A FUCKING “T” IN IT. TWO OF THEM. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.