Synopsis

JESSICA SIMPSON is inexplicably in YET ANOTHER MOVIE. In a shocking break from tradition, she stars as HERSELF. This time around, she crashes her CAR, inexplicably joins the US ARMY, and proceeds to FAIL for NINETY MINUTES.

Never in my life have I had so much sympathy for a drill sergeant.

By the Numbers

• Punchable characters: 1
• Punchability of said character: over 9000
• Characters outranked by a dog: potentially many
• Characters generated from the Political Correctness Lookup Table: 5
• Jessica Simpsons inexplicably given an M16: 1
• Guys inexplicably picked up by holding breath in a swimming pool: 1
• Army cadets inexplicably given advice by main character: 1
• Inexplicable camouflaged pole dances: 1
• Incidences of inexplicable Snickers bar pornography: 6
• Parts of this movie that are, in fact, explicable: very few.
• Explicable sashimi meals eaten (with chopsticks) on exercise: 1 (how?)

Overall: 1 / 5

AND SHE WASN’T EVEN A MAJOR, I WANT MY MONEY BACK

o wait pirate bay