Synopsis

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES, a QUIVERING BLOB OF OBSESSION AND COOKING, unexpectedly acquires a SMALL CHILD.  Suddenly, a wild AARON ECKHART appears!  ZETA-JONES uses OCD!  It’s not very effective.  ZETA-JONES uses SLOWLY, PREDICTABLY FALL IN LOVE WITH HER POLAR OPPOSITE VERY-ATTRACTIVE-GUY OVER THE COURSE OF THE MOVIE.

Yeah, guess what.

By the Numbers

• Meals cooked: 78
• Fish purchased: 23
• Opera songs played: 5
• Characters randomly killed off: 1
• Characters set on fire: 1
• Bolognese eaten, in m³/s: 0.204
• “sigh MEN.”: 1
• People who love Monopoly: Somehow, 1
• My desire to jack in the whole software thing and train as a chef, increase, in percentage points: 3

Overall: π / 5

The π may be steak and ale.

Control experiment: Spending an hour and a half watching UKTV Food would probably have rated a solid 4.