Synopsis

Here is the DVD box art for this movie. It tells you everything you need to know—except, perhaps, why this ever made it to DVD.

By the Numbers

• Vampires inevitably awoken by unprepared goons: 3
• Vampires apparently being raised in a drug cartel’s basement: 4
• Robot vampires: Actually none?
• Robo Cops: 0.3
• Robo Cops, in metres of tinfoil used by wardrobe department: 149
• Vampires that can only move by hopping due to rigor mortis: all of them
• Oh wait, also sweet ninja backflips: yep, all of them
• Hopping vampires that are really just a dude in a gorilla mask: 1
• Cigarettes to the crotch: 1
• Garlic necklaces: 2
• Fireworks used because the budget of this film didn’t stretch to real guns: 267
• “Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot.”: YEAH SURE DUDE WHATEVS
• Crucifixes full of heroin: 1
• High explosive rounds used against small wooden canoes: 1
• Inevitable uses of Taoist Combat Toilet Paper: 2
• Inevitable uses of Taoist Post-it Notes: 4
• Inevitable uses of Taoist… boomerang umbrella?: 1
• Times Robocop’s chin strap is on straight: 0
• Times Robocop walks in on freaky gorilla vampire sex: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE EVEN WATCHING
• Recovery time from having your eyes gouged out and falling into a brazier of boiling tar: 2 minutes 30 seconds
• DUBBING POWER: OVER 9000
• GODFREY HO FACTOR: MONUMENTAL

Overall: -27 / 5

Welcome to the Church: We put the ‘fix’ in ‘crucifix’!