Synopsis

Average nerdy ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY, PETER PARKER, is BITTEN by a RADIOACTIVE BUDDHIST DOG and gains the powers of a DOG. This essentially amounts to LOOKING LIKE A DUMBASS AT COURT.

Later, he gets ZAPPED BY BULLSHIT and turns into an ACTUAL DOG for a while, and, via AN HOUR OF TEDIOUS HIJINKS, learns to be a BETTER PERSON or some shit.

By the Numbers

• Immortal Viet Cong dogs: 1
• Buildings burned down because they were putting makeup on bunnies: Apparently 0
• Rich arsehole capitalists played by Robert Downey Jr: 1
• Laser-shooting robot suits played by Robery Downey Jr: 0
• Pugfrogs: 1
• Snakedogs: 1
• THAT’S NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS: OVER 9000
• Furry blood-hedgehogs: 600
• Psychic dog mind melds: 1
• Canine revelations heard in low Earth orbit: 1
• Meditating bunnies: 4
• Beached whales made of peanut butter: …onnnnee?
• WHO LET THE DOGS OUT: Oh hell no
• People slapped in the face with Robert Downey Jr’s fluffy tail: 1
• Redeeming features of this tiresome shit: minus 36
• TO INFINITY AND FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK NNNNNNOOOOOOOO

Overall: -4 / 5

“Everyone’s going to need therapy after this.”