Transformers: The Movie

Synopsis

IT IS THE YEAR 2005. GIANT ROBOTS IN SPACE are doing GIANT ROBOTS IN SPACE things, like TURNING INTO GUNS and FIGHTING LASER SPACE BATTLES and EATING PLANETS and FISHING and BEING THE MOST PAINFULLY 80S THING IN THE UNIVERSE.

Starring LEONARD NIMOY as SPACE ROBOT SATAN, ORSON WELLES as GIANT SPACE SPHINCTER, and ERIC IDLE as an INEXPLICABLY COCKNEY GHENGIS KHAN TUSKEN RAIDER BOT with NIPPLE LASERS!

By the Numbers

• Death Stars: 1
• Incidences of planet-scale anal vore: 3
• Unicorns: 0
• Unicrons: 1
• ‘til all are: 1
• Star Wars rip-off intro scrolling text things: 1
• Photosensitive Epilepsy Level: over 9000
• Transforming casette tapes: 8
• Transforming cities: WHY
• Transforming planets: OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOES
• 80s: OH GOD IT’S FULL OF 80S
• Dinosaurs kicked in the face: Apparently so
• Robotic seaweed: BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE
• Transformers: 26
• Cisformers: 0
• Token humans: 2
• Token girl robots: Somehow, 1
• Robot Space Jesus: 1
• Ultra Magnus warranty length, days: 90
• Inexplicable cockney tribal dances: 1
• ELIMINATE EVEN THE TOUGHEST STAINS!: 4
• Bad guys defeated by Goatse disco balls: JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS FILM
• “TAKE ME NOW!!”: 1
• Energon penis: 0

Overall: 1 / 5

Shut up, Daniel.