A Film Review by the Numbers from the pen of Ian “Devo” Montgomery!

Synopsis

NO-ONE would have believed in THE LAST YEARS OF THE 19TH CENTURY that H.G. WELLS’ EPIC TALE of alien invasion would be turned into a MEDIOCRE ACTION ROMP by one of the world’s (supposedly) GREATEST FILMMAKER’S in the early 21st century.

However, in the early years of the 21st century, ALMOST EVERYONE believed it was not only possible, but inevitable.

Cue TOM CRUISE as EVERYMAN THE DEADBEAT DAD, struggling not only to stay alive amidst an ALIEN INVASION but also desperately trying to win HIS CHILDREN’S love… and failing.

By the Numbers

• Morgan Freeman narration level: Beyond measurable standards
• Women who’d be happy to tell Tom Cruise what his problem is: At least 2
• Children who do tell Tom Cruise what his problem is: 2
• Unfriendly games of catch played: 1
• IT’S THE CLAM-BURGLAR!: 1
• Lightning never strikes the same place twi-HOLY SHIT!: 25
• Alien foghorns: 6
• People turned into talcum powder: 17
• Clothing turned into talcum powder along with their wearers: Strangely, none
• Dakota Fanning freak-outs: 9
• Window sandwiches: 1
• River mortis: 20
• Girl’s faith in father’s ability to keep her safe: -58
• Raining clothes: …Hallelujah?
• Logical reasons for the teenage son to walk straight into a blazing battlefield: LOL.
• Logical explanations for teenage son to turn up alive and well at the end after walking into a blazing battlefield: SERIOUSLY!?!
• Bullet-trains to Hell: 1
• NOT MY BLOOD!!: 27
• Off-screen axe murders: 1
• Giant alien sphincters: Fuck this, I’m gone

Overall: 3 / 5